Wanted: Certified Cool Instructor

[Fish]

Like many boaters of my generation, I used to be whitewater cool. I used to be a top playboater. I know it's hard to believe looking at me now, but it's true. I could surf an eleven-foot boat in a big hole, spin occasionally, twirl my paddle, and even throw it away and [gasp] hand surf. Ladies chased after me (occasionally) and guys secretly hated me. But then some a****ole invented a boat with little, pointy ends that well-growed-beer-drinkin boaters couldn't even fit into. Within a year, if both ends of your boat were solidly attached to water while you were playboating, you were seriously uncool. I could feel it slipping away. I had to do something.

So I crammed myself in a little sliver of plastic vaguely resembling a boat, paddled out of the eddy and managed to sink the bow underwater. No problem. I would regain cool status in no time. I worked my butt off (literally or I wouldn't have fit into the latest playboats) to master the elusive cartwheel. I learned how to "throw ends" and "get points." Struggle though it was for an old surface boater, I had successfully added a third dimension to my boating. Ladies even started to smile at me again (occasionally). And then some idiot bought a beachball and launched his boat up and over successfully. The first time I saw a loop, I also saw my struggle to regain cool evaporate before my eyes. That was not cool at all. I had to do something.

So I drank a beer.

After a three year quest of beer drinking and searching for wisdom of what is important in boating (and therefore in life), I have come to the conclusion that I must seek help in my paddling. I can ferry, surf, etc. with the best of them. I can even draw, feather, dufek, and low brace with my elbows inverted. My needs are beyond even that of certified, eighth-level, ACA instructor-trainer-trainer-guru-trainer. I need certified cool. I need a beachball and someone who can explain to me how the hell to use it. It's time to get off the dime. It's time to go get me some cool.

Will trade beer.

- Fish

[A Savage spanke]

When you get scared the front of your boat is being sucked into the hole jump up and throw your arms above you. You owe me a beer, but we can call it even for helping me study for my human geog test last year

[prophet]

fish, its a trap

[RomanLA]

Extreme racing is the new cool...get a green boat and paddle fast!!!

[Bozman]

Well, Fish......you're going to have to be careful with this one. Although it seems you have recognized the problem and admitted it to yourself (which is of course half the battle), getting the right help is going to be difficult....especially in your case. Anybody that responds to your plea for help, themselves thinking that they are "certified COOL", is well....not cool after all, are they?? I'm thinking that you have found yourself in a conundrum, or something like that. Best of luck, and while you're waiting for help , lots of . I'll even drink one for you. P.S. If you find someone, let me know....others of us are in the same boat (no pun intended).

[KAYAKN]

Or you could just turn into a class VI poster and class I boater. Theres alot of that these days.

[A Savage spanke]

Bozman, don't knock my attempt at free beer. Farthermore, if you don't want to see fish head butt the water that's a personal problem and not one for the board.

Fish, we tried in several ways to get you to become "cool" in West Virginia/Maryland. You wouldn't give into peer pressure, you're no bird dog.

[Roger]

Being cool is not worrying about "being cool." JUst saying.

[Cowper]

I recommend you drink a beer, shave your head, wear simple clothing (a bedsheet will do), and just ponder what's really important in life. If that doesn't work, try painting your toenails.

[wdwlodge]

Cooooooooooool

[Clif]

Thanks to Bill "Fish" Herring for his code!

Now me,... I think that's cool.

[Fish]

Fish, we tried in several ways to get you to become "cool" in West Virginia/Maryland. You wouldn't give into peer pressure, you're no bird dog.

True, I'm no bird dog, but, young Spanke, I think that perhaps you're confusing "being cool" with "ingesting hallucinogens." I'm just in between having too many braincells to care about killing them and having too few brain cells to care about killing them.

[jermdog]

I think being cool means not using those shite emoticons.

[Victor Caballeros]

The Coolness comes from googling your name and it pops up

Did you mean: AKA "FISH"

[JTarver]

Victor has a pretty good point. That google trick is way cool.
I feel at some point I should interject and say something about being a soul boater and some disheartening addage about drainage ditch boating...as it directly illicits responses from "the cool".

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Fish, you're already cool. Just get different shoes and walk like someone else for awhile, that'll help change your perspective.
Far as loops go, if I can learn em, anyone can. Practice front flips on your knees on a trampoline...kinda feels like that. You can even have someone toss buckets of water at you while you do it..and just tell people you can loop. Be sure to act all nonchalante...adds to coolness.

Reveling in your eternal coolness,

Joe