Rafts, Richland, Royalty, and Recrimination

[davidbob]

ARG Lower Richland trip report, March 27, 2010 (ARG was not at full strength - Stewart reminded everyone that Ranger Rich (not his real name) and Clair (not her real nickname) could not join us because they were attending Rich's nephew's wedding in Fayetteville* - we don't know where Lippo was (Branson? the Garvin Gardens festival of tulips?) - Marcell was spending the weekend standing waist deep in cold water in the Mulberry).

* Interesting historical side note - (you know, Dave and Jane's daughter-in-law is in that wedding! (more about Dave and Jane later).

What does a late March raft trip on Lower Richland Creek in 2010 have to do with the 35 year break in my relationship with Cindy? Well, of course, Stewart can be blamed in both instances.

Jane Brockmann's family and Stewart Noland's family (including his 3 brothers, the infamous Nasty, slightly less infamous Bob, and all around decent guy Brian) lived next to each other in Fayetteville about 50 years ago. That experience would scar a young Jane for life. Nasty stole her baseball card collection, fought with her brother, and generally terrorized the neighborhood. It is telling that Jane now recalls that Stewart and Bobby were "nice boys" (no other older brother could ever lower the bar the way Nasty could - the phrase "benefitting from a favorable comparison" may have been born on Rush Street in Fayetteville back then). Jane, future husband Dave Gearhart, and Stewart went on to graduate from Fayetteville High School in 1970.

Jane eventually pledged Tri-Delt at the UofA, and Stewart became a Lambda Chi. Cindy and I followed them to The University a year later - Stewart and I became roommates - Jane became Cindy's Tri-Delt pledge trainer. Dave apparently was either academically unqualified or had disciplinary issues - in any event his parents shipped him off to some B school in Missouri where he hopefully would benefit from less rigorous scholastic standards and a more relaxed attitude about personal conduct (Winston Churchill once visited there and gave a speech, but nothing memorable ever came of it). Dave's attempts to find success outside the state had mixed results, forcing him to eventually return home and accept employment as overseer of the educational services division of the Arkansas Razorbacks, Inc. (since no D1 school can afford to pay educators what they pay football/basketball coaches, they give them titles instead - "Chancellor of the University of Arkansas" in Dave's case (for those of you aren't familiar with the word "Chancellor," think of Dave as The Pope of Maple Street)).

So, anyway, to assuage his guilt by association for all those things his brother did to Jane, Stewart has been inviting Jane and Dave on an ARG/Team Big Water whitewater excursion for quite some time. Saturday turned out to be the day. We checked the gauges and decided there wasn't enough water to put the rafts on Upper Richland, but at 3.35 the lower section was doable. Stewart volunteered that Ranger Rich and Clair could not join us because they were attending his nephew's wedding in Fayetteville (you know, Dave and Jane's daughter-in-law is in that wedding!).

Stewart's wife (and my sister by a different mother) Debbie joined us, as did Slater (rowing his Puma) and Jerry Cousins (rowing a Saturn). Stewart and I rowed Super Pumas and carried the passengers. We started the trip by managing not to screw up the shuttle, which could have been a harbinger of good karma for the rest of the trip, only to have that augury shattered by my inability to suppress the seething anger, resentment and contempt against Jane I've held for years over the vengeful and diabolic influence she asserted over Cindy.

Stewart, having known me for 39 years, sensed this. He put Dave in my boat at the campground, knowing my ego would not allow me to envision a front page headline along the lines of "UofA CHANCELLOR DROWNS ON WHITEWATER TRIP - Authorities Investigating Rumors of Raft Driver's Vendetta Against Spouse." Stewart was correct to have trusted his instincts. I eased the Super Puma through the boulder choked tight spots in the first mile or so of Lower Richland, then made a textbook run through the aptly named Thumper. Dave hardly got wet in my boat. Debbie, in Stewart's boat with Jane, suppressed her natural instincts and made only matter-of-fact references to the face full of wave she caught at Thumper in Stewart's boat.

We stopped for lunch between Thumper and Lights Out (aka Watch Eater). The weather was nearly perfect: sunny, 60+, if just a little windy. It was there that 35 years of frustration over losing Cindy to a string of guys who between them didn't have more than a thimble full of testosterone got to me, and I cut loose on Jane. "When I delivered Cindy to you as her pledge trainer at the Tri-Delt house on bid day in 1972, she was a hot boiling cauldron of passion. In a few short months you turned her into a Miss Goody-2-Shoes Model Pledge. It's your fault she dumped me." (at this point Stewart interjected that Ranger Rich and Clair were in Fayetteville at his nephew's wedding (you know, Dave and Jane's daughter-in-law is in that wedding!).

Jane tried to feign ignorance of any such scheme, but her facial expression told a different story (37 years of remorse is a tough thing to conceal). Plus, the chain of evidence was really all too clear. (1): c. 1960 - Jane has bad childhood experience with Noland family; (2): 1971 - Stewart and David become fraternity brothers and roommates, establishing lifelong friendship; and (3): 1972-73 - Jane, with no outlet to make a Noland's life miserable, does next best thing by driving wedge between a close Noland associate and his childhood sweetheart.

After lunch Stewart noted that we were just above the scene of major carnage a few years back now known as "Ranger Rich and the Octogenarians," and that Ranger Rich and Clair were in Fayetteville at his nephew's wedding. (you know, Dave and Jane's daughter-in-law is in that wedding!). Then Stewart decided that he had tempted fate enough already, and suggested that Dave and Debbie switch places. Stewart knows how I feel about Debbie, whom I've known almost as long as Stewart. Plus, Debbie was instrumental in helping me screw up the courage to call Cindy again in 2007, reuniting me with the only woman I've really ever loved (and giving Cindy, in her words, her biggest kid of all (I see that as a testament to my perpetually youthful countenance)). Lights Out (or Watch Eater as I call it because my boat got window shaded and I got recirculated there a long time ago, sucking my watch off my arm in the process) was fun as usual. There was enough water for Slater and Jerry to take the left side sneak route. Stewart and I both saw a little green tongue down the main drop on river right and opted for the hero route. Or, in ARG parlance, "run the meat and let it eat!" As Slater said, the best thing about Watch Eater is looking back upstream at it while sitting in the seat of your boat in the recovery pool below.

The rest of the trip was routine but for the truly spectacularly perfect early spring weather and, of course, the dreaded Lower Richland Willow Jungle. Debbie and I celebrated a clean run by singing Frank Sinatra songs, trying to recall Paul Anka's name, reminding each other of Rich and Clair's whereabouts (you know, Dave and Jane's daughter-in-law is in that wedding!), fantacizing about a post trip dinner at Fantastic China, and arguing semantics about inside-the-boat jokes (I accused her of playing a game of grammatical gotcha - she said she was just being rude).

The take out, breakdown, and shuttle were performed in, well, as anyone who's ever been on an ARG whitewater expedition has come to expect, a well-oiled and machine-like fashion. The timing was perfect, as the first rain drop landed just about the time we were loading the last piece of gear. Then some of the weirdest weather phenomena occurred, even for early spring in Arkansas. Once we got back to the Richland Creek campground bridge I checked the gauge; it was 3.22. Then I checked the clock and the temperature; 5:00 p.m. and 68 degrees. Less than 30 minutes later we had reached the outskirts of Lurton, it was 40 degrees, and we couldn't tell if the white stuff on the windshield was big snow flakes, sleet, or hail (it was hail). By the time we got to the other side of Lurton (which is only slightly larger than a postage stamp) the sun came out. Then, by 6:00 p.m. we were halfway down Hwy 7 toward Russellville, there was steady sunshine, the pavement was dry, and it was 65.

So, to summarize: the weather was perfect before it got weird; the Team Big Water division of ARG delivered again in spectacular fashion (no one drowned and there wasn't a Shuttle Failure); Dave's Chancelloring skills benefited greatly from our insight into everything; Jane and I are working on our issues; and does anyone** know where Rich and Clair were this weekend?

** You know, like maybe Dave and Jane's daughter-in-law!?

[Randy Dodson]

Just one question, When did Rick become Rich? Is this some sort of slander against the great ranger? Perhaps a jealousy over the fact that they were invited to the wedding in Fayetteville ( you know Dave and Jane's daughter-in-law is in that wedding ).

[dogpatch]

Davidbob, whatever you're smoking seems to be getting better and better. Sorry I missed the party.

[davidbob]

Just one question, When did Rick become Rich? Is this some sort of slander against the great ranger?

There was a woman on our Grand Canyon trip last fall who had a little problem remembering the great Ranger Rick's name (there were other issues, but that's a story for the trip report that I haven't written yet). After a week and half of her calling him lots of names (Rick not being one of them), she kind of settled in on Rich. It became obvious it just would be easier for the other 14 of us to start calling him Rich than it would be for her to remember "Rick."

A karma imbalance can be a very bad thing on an 18 day river trip, so to harmonize the trip dynamics I started calling her Polly. That wasn't her real name either, but it fit better with the remainder of my nickname for her, which cannot be repeated on a family message board.

In fairness to Polly I will say this this: I took the DIB, a raft that is only slightly smaller than a football field and heavy enough to affect the tides; she rowed a 14' cataraft (and kept it right side up) the entire length of the GC, including Lava. Mega hyper super props to her for that.

[Randy Dodson]

Just one question, When did Rick become Rich? Is this some sort of slander against the great ranger?

There was a woman on our Grand Canyon trip last fall who had a little problem remembering the great Ranger Rick's name (there were other issues, but that's a story for the trip report that I haven't written yet). After a week and half of her calling him lots of names (Rick not being one of them), she kind of settled in on Rich. It became obvious it just would be easier for the other 14 of us to start calling him Rich than it would be for her to remember "Rick."

.

Man I love that lawyer logic.

[Randy Dodson]

Just one question, When did Rick become Rich? Is this some sort of slander against the great ranger?

There was a woman on our Grand Canyon trip last fall who had a little problem remembering the great Ranger Rick's name (there were other issues, but that's a story for the trip report that I haven't written yet). After a week and half of her calling him lots of names (Rick not being one of them), she kind of settled in on Rich. It became obvious it just would be easier for the other 14 of us to start calling him Rich than it would be for her to remember "Rick."

.

Man I love that lawer logic.

[Wildwood]

. . . after reading that, I feel like I woke up in the middle of a soap opera, maybe "All My Floating Children" or "Days of Our Floatin' Lives"??????? (I think I saw the daughter-in-law at Wal-Mart yesterday.)
Jan